I finally turned thirty at the end of last month, and let me tell you one thing: Though I haven’t magically changed entirely, it does feel different — like “it’s your birthday and you try to have a normal day but it’s not just any day” type of different — at least for now.
The title of this letter could shock some people, even trigger a few— and I believe so because if I had read this when I was 21, I would have felt some type of way, perhaps fearful of the future — but there’s no other way to say it. That is my current state in the aspects that society checks off like a to-do list as you grow older.
Today, I want to talk a bit about each one…
Unemployed:
It’s a difficult position to be in, especially at this age. It does bring a sense of “shame” and stress, but there’s only so much you can do about it. I feel proud of my decisions in the past and everything that has got me here. I am a doctor — and sometimes I have to say it out loud to believe it — but when I decided to move abroad after graduating, I chose a path that I knew would be hard, but never knew how hard. I came to live in Spain in the middle of the pandemic, with plans in my head, dreams in my heart, but planning isn’t enough. Nothing happened as I thought it would, and I never saw myself waiting in line for so long, nor did I expect to feel rusty and fearful to go back into practice.
Sometimes we feel bad about our positions in our careers — we hear often “other people are already working, fellow students are already hired, practicing” — It seems as if they all got there so fast and annoyingly smoothly. It might be true, but that isn’t my case, and that isn’t my life. I’ve learned to make peace with that, and to understand that our journeys will never be the same, so it’s pointless to compare. I'm happy to focus on myself and be conscious and intentional in every step I take. There isn’t much to say about this aspect, or maybe I just don’t care too much. I know I will eventually get there, and I know how hard I have fought for it. Staying hopeful and remembering that it will happen for me too, while continuing to do my best, it’s all I can do now.
Single:
Because I am a “hopeless romantic” this is probably the one aspect that has affected me the most. Some people don’t understand why it is important to feel fulfilled in this area of life — health, family, friends and work seem more than enough — but many of us know how it feels to actually care deeply about not having this.
Let’s say my romantic life has been a rollercoaster, and I have never felt safe in a relationship for too long. This situation has created fears, wounds and sad ideas that are hard to shake off my mind. However, some years ago, I promised myself that I wouldn’t reach thirty feeling unworthy and unlovable if I were single by then.
I have worked hard to change my view on singlehood, to fully accept that most of the time, it isn’t about us. That we aren’t incomplete either — and even though knowing this isn’t the same as feeling it, it does takes us closer to healing.
Today, being thirty and single, I can confidently say there’s more for me to learn about loving myself. I think that what I want is so special, that I can’t settle for anything less. It will only happen with someone who wants the same type of special — it’s true that when we are trying to make it work with someone, it doesn’t feel like that. We just focus on the fact that it “failed”, but when time passes, we realize it was never going to really work… so we keep growing and becoming who we are really meant to be: the person that will have the special type of love they are willing to build. It is never a waste of time to keep evolving, and learning from the people that crosses our paths.
Thirty:
For many, reaching this point in life signifies a “decline” — even if you are building your best era yet, even if you didn’t enjoy your twenties too much, even if you feel okay — unconsciously, we feel insecure about crossing the line into this new decade. From the moment we reach legal age, people’s comments about aging, shape our thoughts, and we end up crossing the line feeling unworthy of even trying to be successful. It’s already “too late”.
Writing about feminism isn’t my go to — not that I don’t read about it, think about it, live it through — but when we discuss ageism, it’s inevitable to notice how different affects men and women as they grow older. Men usually don’t feel ashamed of their age and may even feel more empowered by it — as they should, just as women should —the world doesn’t react with surprise when men start afresh at 30, 40 or 50 years old. It’s true that women begin to experience physical changes within our bodies that may impact our decisions about having kids, changes we may not even notice on a daily basis. However, the constant narrative about aging we here nonstop, it’s barely ever related to those physical changes. It is mostly full of non fundamental opinions about our worth, beauty, capacity and our level of “interesting”.
I cannot help but feel that when people perceive women aging as losing value, they are treating us as objects — whether consciously or not — So, I feel for every girl who stresses about aging, because I know it’s a subconscious thought, fed by the lies of a society that initially failed to see us as people.
Thirty is merely an age, considered important because it feels like you’ve lived long enough to know a lot. Important because society decided so. But also important because we still have time; we’re not late, and our value remains the same, if not more. Thirty is merely an age, deserving of being enjoyed and lived like any other.
Thank you for reading and being here <3 a big hug to wherever you are!
Nicole <3
Suscribo cada palabra 🫶🏻 "Just keep swimming"
unemployed / single / thirty / blessed
carpe momentum Nicole 🙏🏼