Nowhere & Here

this is somehow an explanation to where I'm at

I'm still here — as in presence and essence — watching from afar the things that are out of my control. I’m also nowhere to be found, as I solo travel through the furthest corners of my mind.

I have gone in the seek of answers and understanding, because my soul craved it, because I needed it to know how to keep walking on the road of this journey.

How do we reconstruct ourselves? - Did the definition of happiness change for me? - How can I get there where I want to be?

I have come back — empty handed — with the same questions ruminating… was it all for nothing? — I think there’s no such thing, there’s always something we get from what we do and experience, good or bad — And now I know that isolating myself isn’t always the right move (even though I believe from my experiences, that it can be necessary sometimes) — There’s also so much “self finding” in companionship, in community, in interactions with strangers, in reconnection.

As I continue to reconstruct the person in me that has gone missing —planting a garden in the entry of my soul, to welcome her when she comes back home — I keep writing poems, as a way to keep my eyes open to the things that remain here.

Here’s the latest one:

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Empty

Empty
like staring at the dark sky...
nothing,
and yet it's all there,
like it's written in a language we cannot
understand.

Empty
like a pair of new sheets in a new bed, in a new house.
White and holding no memories.
No one has ever 
Slept
Dreamt
Made love 
Cry
- on them -
and yet, they have been touched by the hands that made them
the needle
the box where it came.
There's history in their threads.

Empty we feel sometimes
and yet our minds are crowded
by illusions, sorrows, and goodbyes.
Our hearts floated in hope and love.
-so much love- 
Blinded by the thoughts of nothingness
Surrounded by more than enough.

25/07/2023

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Palmar de Ocoa, Republica Dominicana, 2019 — From a time I felt empty but also grateful; a human paradox.

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Thank you for reading — thank you for being supportive — thank you for staying while I’m under construction.

A big hug to you!

Nicole <3