I guess I am a writer

The things we desire — like anything else in life — will be full of turns, ups, and downs.

First. Ever. Writer’s block.

At first I thought it was fine, “I can write later, something will come up as always. I have too much to say”. Days came and left, and a new type of stress started to creep in. I need to write!

I took my phone and got into my notes…. nothing.

I sat down in front of my laptop…. mmm nope, this isn’t how I usually write… nothing.

I grabbed pen and paper…. random words here and there, about everything and nothing at the same time.

My head was getting flooded, my thoughts were changing shapes and looking for rhymes at all times— I wanted to bring some piece to life — all the events that happened to me during those days, I tried to take advantage of, substract art out of them. But at the end… nothing.

One day I stepped back to view all the unfinished pieces, the drafts I had all over my things, and I could recognize the similarity they had with my mental state. It looked exactly how my mind had been feeling: clouded and messy, with no beginning nor ending. Aimless. — I couldn’t publish anything, just as I couldn’t take any step forward in my real life.

As I have done many times before, to deal with obstacles of any aspect of life (love, studies, work, friendships, even cooking) — you name it — I would read about it, journal about it, and once I feel like I have the tools to fight it, I would start putting all of it into practice. After digging (just a bit) about writers block, I came to the conclusion that I needed to relax my mind first, because honestly, there’s so much going on —living abroad (aka infinite paper work), studying and looking for a job, is not a joke — I did what I do best:

I dumped my thoughts in my journal for days, there was a lot I needed to purge. I also went back to meditation, and slowly (very slowly) the mind was clearing the way. A less foggy view placed for me to see the majors concerns, the real blocker:

I am not sure where I am standing right now.

Sigh.

I gave myself a mental hug — “it’s okay, it’s totally normal to feel stressed about that” — In the past, I would normally jump into judging myself for being “such a baby”. No matter how big my problem was, I couldn’t stay too long in the suffering phase, and I felt the pressure to overcome it no later than the same day I figured it out. — But I am calmer now, more understanding with myself, so after paying close attention to my heart, I chose to let myself not write, and focus on feeling more at ease.

One morning, I went out for a walk and ended up in one of my favorites cafés — Ahhh it’s been a while — I got a cappuccino and didn’t stress about a thing. There was music playing (a genre I don’t normally listen to), yellow lights inside the room, with a cloudy sky outside, it was all very cozy. The scene brought my mind into the level to finally get inspired, it gave me calmness and created the mental space for me to write. This.

Even though it’s one of my favorite spots, it wasn’t the usual surroundings, and it wasn’t at all planned, but my first writers block was gone before I finished my coffee. I smiled alone sitting in my little table, as I felt proud for having been patient with myself. Definitely a lot has changed, and what a great thing that is.

When finally reflecting on these past days of getting back in track, I couldn’t help to feel grateful for the obvious thing that I was not being aware of…

Only writers have writer’s block. It means I’ve been writing so often, to notice the change, that I care enough about it, to worry when I stop. That am living the things I wanted to live and I am making my inner child dreams come true.

A gentle reminder that sometimes we are going through situations that could stress us, or even make us feel uncapable and purposeless, making us blind to the meaning behind them: The things we desire — like anything else in life — will be full of turns, ups, and downs. The difference is, they still fill us with joy.

This is to never forget that we are were we wanted to be, that it’s all finally real (the good and the bad) — to face with a grateful heart, those problems that only our dreams allow us to experience, to create space, for us to clear our busy minds whenever we need to, and in this way, feel less lost.

This is, to love all of it.

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A big hug to you wherever you are reading this from!

Nicole <3

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Ps: If you’d like to read poems and newsletters in Spanish, I will be publishing those on Quedan cosas por decir ! Hasta pronto <3